I miss the reckless you that lives as though 17 is the oldest you’ll ever get. Breaking hearts here and there as well as getting your heart broken over some silly love. Times where the only thing you’re worried about are your flunking math grades or your mother scolding you for going home so late.
I miss the you that would easily get excited over the sight of the sea, what it brings, what are beneath those surfaces, times where you believe in the magic that exists somewhere in the line where the sky meets the sea.
So young and so naïve, thinking that the world would always be in the palm of your hand if you try hard enough. Thinking that fate will go wherever you decide them to, the way you want them to.
I also remember, that you had always loved stories and poetry a lot. The way you got so drawn and engrossed in them that you often forget about your surroundings. That part of you never changes until now, and you’ll find yourself loving and appreciating a lot of stories and poetry more than you are now. You love the way they hurt you, the way they heal, the way they make you feel something, the way they make you feel alive. How they teach you a lesson, how they make you feel like you’re on a cloud nine, how they tell you about the other side of the world that you have yet to experience.
But overtime, you’ll realize, that the world isn’t always kind and forgiving. It’s full of thorns, lies, and everything horrible. It’s not as linear and straightforward as your favorite storybook. It doesn’t wait for you, nor it will treat you gently.
You’re used to carelessly speeding down on a highway, driving straight where the wind takes you to, but from now on, you’ll encounter many dead-ends. You’ll either crash, be forced to take a different route, or perhaps you can break down those walls with your busted car. But, at that time, you still don’t have the courage to choose the last option. I understand, because it takes a lot of courage to hit, to take a choice where you know that you’ll get hurt.
You’ll find yourself be trapped in various kinds of situations where you have to take another step beyond your limit and get out of your comfort zone — and hey, I think that’s amazing. You’re making progress, no matter how small it is. You’ll realize that you can’t always stay the same way as you are now, no matter how comfortable it may be, because the world will always expect you to be nothing less but perfect. Does that mean you’re subjecting yourself to the society’s unrealistic standards? Not necessarily. But, like they said, to exist is to resist, and resistance requires progress and motion. So, hey, you’re getting there.
You’ll watch those who are dear to you leave one by one. You’ll feel sad and lonely, watching their backs as they slowly walk away from your life, leaving something on the front door. But I hope you know, that their partings don’t always mean abandonment. Because just like you, they’re a whole universe of their own. Let them go and grow to be that person, even if it means you wouldn’t be there to see it.
You’ll be lost. But it’s okay, it’s okay, doubt yourself, lose your way, go as scattered as you can possibly be, and only by going through those means that you’ll eventually find who you are — what and who you want to be. It’s a long process, it’s not meant to be a quick, painless journey, it’s scary and full of uncertainties, but when you finally find what you’re trying to seek, you’ll know all those wounds and scars were worth it.
Speaking of wounds and scars, you’ll also realize that time doesn’t heal. People say this a lot — that time heals all wounds, that grief and sorrows have their time limits, but no, sometimes, they just become scars. You’ll know that, the pain may fade away and heal with time, but those scars still remain to remind you, as a lesson, as a reminder, no matter how much time has passed. And along the passage of time, we’re the ones getting used to the wounds and scars. You’ll carry those scars for the rest of your life until eventually they become a part of what makes you into who you are now. Time might heal and it might not, but at the end of the day, everything is all up to you to take a break or to keep the show going. And scars, for warriors, are badges of honor. They’re proofs of how hard they’ve been fighting for peace, and that applies to you too, your scars are a reminder of how hard you’ve been fighting all the hard times you had to go through.
When you look at yourself in the mirror, you’ll probably hate yourself. Uncomfortable in your own skin, wanting to be someone different. Or perhaps, you’ll be proud of yourself, that you are you, nothing less and nothing more, and I sincerely hope it’s the latter. You learn about acceptance, as your reflection stares back at you in the mirror, looking through those brown eyes — eyes that have loved and eyes that have lost.
You’ll know the feeling of helplessness, desperateness, and loneliness. How does it feel to be so in pain that you feel like death is the better option. The world beneath you will crumble and your steps will be anything but steady. You will go through these times, I can’t guarantee that it will be easy, but you know, people can’t grow without pain. And there’s a beauty in it — there’s a beauty, and a whole life, in witnessing the night that is the darkest before the dawn.
Despite everything, you’ll end up surprising yourself a lot. Like, one minute you’re crying on the floor, with your pieces scattered all over, and the next minute you’re wiping your tears, and putting on your best shoes to go out. Greeting your neighbors with a kind smile, brighter than the sun above, telling other people to have a good day. You thought you’ll break, but see, you didn’t.
The healing process — it will be worth it. Feels like when you take a fresh breath of air when your head’s been drowning underwater for the entire time. When you learn how to swim, you also learn how to drown. When you learn how to run, you also learn how to fall. Likewise, when you achieve, you also learn how to fail. But what’s important is what you do after. When you drown, do you let the flow of the water take you — wait for someone to save you, or do you try to swim back to the surface, no matter how tough it may be? When you fall, do you keep lying on the ground — again, wait for someone to save you, or do you try to stand up, enduring the ache in your knees?
You’ll realize that you deserve to be happy because you are not your past. You are not all the regrets, remorse or shame that you’ve cried over and buried deep within your heart. You are not the reflection of the choices you made or the chances you took when you didn’t know better than to take them. You deserve to be happy, because the past can’t be changed no matter how much you want them to, you can’t alter what has been done, but the future is still wide open with infinite possibilities. You are not your past, you are whoever you are in the present that you decide to become. And you have no choice but to keep moving forward.
Something is there inside you that is bigger than life itself. All the things you can be, a lot of possibilities, unshackled from those rusty chains that are holding you down. You’ll realize that you have more freedom than you think. The world won’t wait for you, but the you in the future that have experienced everything the world has to offer — is waiting for you.
So here I am, writing this piece, amidst all of the guilt and exhaustion, but I’m holding on, just like you are. All I can say is, even at this time — my time, the sky, and the sea you loved so much is still blue. And it will always be.
Until next time.
