What is your dream?
I want to be rich and successful.
That’s what I said to my teacher back then when I was still 14 years old.
What are your goals in the future?
I don’t know. I just let my life take me wherever they go.
That’s what I typed in an online psychological test back in June, 2020.
What even are my dreams? I wish I knew what I want to become. Back then, I used to have a specific dream… no matter how unrealistic it may be, my mother said that the dark brown in my eyes always lights up every time I talk about what my dreams are. It’s fun, it’s exciting, it’s motivating to imagine about various places you wanted to visit and expensive things you wanted to be able to spend on lavishly. “I want to continue my study in Amsterdam,” “I want to earn a scholarship in the Ivy League,” “I want to be a psychologist,” “I want to be an auditor in one of the Big Four companies,” “I want to work in a huge game company,” “I want to be rich enough that I won’t think twice about spending $30,000 on a Louis Vuitton bag,” something like that.
I wonder, since when all of these dreams and intense ambitions of mine turned out to be just simply, “I just want to not suffer,” “I want to just be happy,” “I wish to find a motivation to live,” or even worse, “I don’t have dreams. I’m living this life… just because, because I’m not dead yet,” Perhaps when I realized that there are things that are just unattainable, no matter how hard you work or how high you fly. Some things in this world are just meant to be the sun and we are the Icarus, the more we try to seek for it, the more we’ll destroy our own wings and fall.
I started dreaming, realistically this time, but those weren’t enough. At one point, the flame in myself that used to burn so bright that it felt like it was enough to set the world on fire, started to die out, slightly, and slowly. I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope, I feel like I’m always walking on my tiptoes every time. The bind of tightness in my chest left me with the question, then what am I doing here if I don’t have anything to keep me going? As I stare at countless stars spread beautifully across the night sky, I thought to myself, I used to have dreams at one point.
It occurs to my mind then, realization dawned upon me, that there are things that I have overlooked while I was desperately searching for — anything — anything to make the emptiness disappear, anything to make me feel something, to feel alive.
It’s that… you can dream, and live for small things like that. You can value the little things around you, no matter how trivial it may be.
Perhaps, we’re too used with the idea of “dreaming big” that we feel like the opposite is too shallow. We’re too used with seeing shounen protagonists that we grew up with, achieving huge things beyond one’s mind. Knowing how Naruto dreams of becoming a Hokage or how Luffy sets his vision to become a Pirate King. Their ambitious dreams and goals make you forget that it’s as normal as dreaming simple things, just like Denji’s. The simple thought of eating toast with jam and spending time with a girl is his driving force, something that gives him the will to live.
Those kind of dreams, we often take it for granted. Things that we truly needed. Things that we can’t live without and things that means so much to us but are often forgotten or not valued as much as other dreams. Delicious foods, comfortable clothes, a loving family, a cuddly pet, a home to go back to, and the list goes on.
Those may sound simple, or even silly, to us, but to others, it might be a big deal. Many parents dream of not having to worry what they’ll eat tomorrow. Many children dreams of having a nice clothes to play outside. Many families dream of having a warm house so that they will be sheltered from the rain. It’s probably something that we can afford anytime without batting an eye, but to others, it might be their huge dreams that they’re willing to work day and night for.
What my point is then, you ask? That I think we should stop weighing dreams or goals based on their value, as it is subjective, and just accept them as it is. It shouldn’t matter, how big or small dreams are. A dream is still a dream, a dream you’re willing to work hard and suffer for, a dream you’re willing to make sacrifices for, even a dream you’re willing to put your life on the line to achieve it. Luffy had to go on a long journey, fight tough bosses and encounter countless life-or-death situations in order to achieve his dream to become a Pirate King, and it’s the same for the old lady I see every morning who sells newspapers from dawn until dusk, with her frail physique, wrinkled hands and bruised foot, in order to achieve her dream to make her children’s future ahead a bright one.
In this case also, Denji — people around him mocked him for his dreams. “That’s a pretty dumb reason,” or “everyone here is serious but you,” however, he still keep going. He didn’t let others’ judgments affect his actions, his dreams of eating toast with jam and hugging a girl is just as valid as the dreams that he or other people deemed as ‘respectable’ compared to his, no matter how trivial others may view it. Denji was willing to fight to death for such a simple and silly dream, a normalcy that you can encounter just everywhere and everyday.
Despite everything, no matter how tough it is, the fire in their hearts never once died out.
All this time I’ve always thought that dreams have to be big. Too engrossed in the idea that dreams are supposed to make you shed blood, sweat and tears to achieve it. That’s why, I keep searching, searching, and searching, because a person without a dream is just an empty shell, a living ghost, as good as dead. Now both you and I know, that it’s not. It’s not necessarily have to be. There was something other than simply making money and landing yourself a stable career. Dreams are more than that.
Dreams are everywhere, no matter where you look at. Be it something as simple as eating instant noodles while watching Goblin with your significant other, going to your idol’s concert, buying a PS5 with your hard-earned money, witnessing the continuation of Hunter x Hunter, skydiving, becoming a world-renowned fashion designer, going to Mars and exploring space, or living in a luxurious penthouse in Las Vegas. Whether your dream is eating a toast with strawberry jam as a breakfast tomorrow or becoming a CEO in a multinational company, both of them are just as valid. You determine your dreams, what you want to do, what you want to be, what you want to achieve, and don’t let others’ dreams affect yours.
When I realized that, I’ve never felt stronger.
You can be Luffy or Denji! You can dream to be the man with the most freedom in the entire seas or dream to be able to touch a woman’s boobs. If you read both mangas, you’ll know that both of them have risked their lives countless times in order to achieve their dreams. And both of them are just as cool. Your choice. But honestly, why not both though?
Well, after a long and *edgy* process of finding out my dreams, I think I’ve become content with my life. Something as simple as that… something like waiting for the next update by the author of my favorite fanfiction and wanting to try Iced Caramel Macchiato in the famous coffeeshop in the neighboring town are what keeps me going. Something as respectable as winning a prestigious competition and wanting to make my parents burst with happiness with my achievements… they’re also what keeps me going. What I want to do in life and what I want to be, I’ll never stop searching for the answers to those questions, for dreams are to be searched in your entire lifetime, right?
Live, for small things around you. Live, for big things that you want to achieve. Don’t let the fire in you die out, keep that fire burning bright enough to set the whole world on fire.
